I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
