So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
