We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
