Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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