Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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