I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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