What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Just cropdusted the office
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
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