i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
