"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
