Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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