I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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