i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
