Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
