My liver just broke up with me...
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
