She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize