I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
