A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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