oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
