I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
