Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
