I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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