Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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