Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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