I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
