Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
