If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
