They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
