Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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