Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
