This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I just found a bag of teeth...
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
