fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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