I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
