Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
