it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
