Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize