My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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