He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
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