How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
