o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Two words: blizzard sex
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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