i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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