So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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