last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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