In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
