Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
