Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
