Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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