I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
