He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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