I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
