you traded sex for a burrito?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
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Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
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We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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