There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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