Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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