I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
