Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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