how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
